Leveraging Uncertainty:
How to Grow When You Don't Know

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Karen Stone, MSW, LCC, CCIM

Coach, Writer, Speaker, Trainer

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What to Expect When You Don’t Know

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When uncertainty walks in, things change. You may look the same. You may act the same (sort of). But one or more things in your world has changed. The flow, structure, fabric and content of your daily life will change, too.

The Don't Knows have a quality and a rhythm
all their own

When you go through a major Don’t Know, you may feel like you have parachuted into a foreign country and you are not sure what language is being spoken.

To help you get to know a bit about the new territory you have landed in, here is my Fodor’s guide to the most common things people experience when they Don’t Know.

Mixed Emotions ?!?!?!

Each day, hour or minute, you may be back and forth and roundabout, flipping from one emotion to another– like you are riding a roller coaster. This is normal! Whether or not you wanted to, you have lost something and you are grieving. Inherently, emotions are not good or bad. Each one brings something to your journey. Acknowledge them. Feel them. Then learn ways to spend more time in the ones that bring you joy, peace and acceptance. You can choose your emotional state and spend more time feeling good!  (More about that in another blog!)

As you move further through your Don’t Know Experience, your emotions will smooth out. You may even begin to enjoy the ride!

Not knowing takes longer than knowing

When you Know, your path is clearly laid out and your movement forward is sure-footed. You set goals and take action. The Don’t Knows are an exploration, a contemplation, a journey with unexpected twists and turns. You Don’t Know where you are headed and what you want to achieve. You need time to ponder, pick through your thoughts and feelings, and try-on different scenarios. Be patient with yourself. Think about taking a walk in nature rather than running a sprint.  

Unrealistic expectations

The Don’t Knows are about learning and discerning. This will not happen in a week or a few days! Be patient with yourself and allow time for inner debate and changing your mind. True transformation doesn’t happen on a strict deadline. When something really matters, it takes more time to define it, refine it and make it part of your life. Give yourself the gift of time.

Find your new rhythm

Your life had a certain rhythm and cadence. Then things changed.  How and what you do, and when you do them, will also change. Take some time to settle in to what your daily life looks like now. Find your new rhythm. Plan time to take care of the needful. Schedule time just for you.

You will want to force things to happen. Don’t
- unless you absolutely have to.

When you are in a time of not knowing, you are exploring, experimenting and gathering information. This is not the time to make decisions. Decide to not decide right now. When you allow time to feel things through, your decisions will expand your life, rather than limit it.

Expect more questions than answers

The Don’t Knows are a time to ask questions. Right now, you are a student studying the circumstances of your life. You are contemplating how you want to move forward. Answers will come. Right now, ask good questions that lead to self-knowledge and realization of who you truly are and what your heart wants.  

Allow things to be different

When the world is uncertain, we tend to want to hold on tightly to what feels normal. If you try to recreate what was familiar, the amount of newness and insight you can bring into your life will be limited. Remember, you are not making major life decisions right now. You are trying things out to see what feels right. For now, allow things to be different. 

Expect surprises

In each Don’t Know, thoughts, circumstances, people and opportunities will show up that completely surprise you. Pay attention. Look around. Stay connected. See what comes your way. Delight in the signs and signals that cross your path. Allow them in and take them to heart.

Each Don’t Know Experience is different.  As you go through life, gaining experience and wisdom, you will bring that wiser version of you with you and you will relate to your future Don’t Knows differently.

With practice, you will become more masterful at levering uncertainty. You will learn to Grow When you Don’t Know! 

Wherever there is change,
and wherever there is uncertainty,
there is opportunity!

First Things First – Take Time to Heal

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One moment life is good and moving right along. Then something happens. Your life has been knocked off course and you are thrown into the unexpected – the unknown.  Your body, mind and/or spirit have been injured.  With every injury, you experience some level of trauma. You may not even know it. You may be in shock. Or you may have already gone into triage mode, running full steam ahead trying to hold your life on the path that is collapsing around you.

No matter what the circumstances, you will experience some level of pain, upset, stress, shock or anguish when your life gets pulled apart. Any one of these will drain your physical, emotional, spiritual and mental energy. Several combined may send you under the covers or heading for the nearest and safest emotional hills.

As you begin to realize your life has become uncertain and you are facing unexpected and/or unprecedented challenges, the first and most important thing for you to do is take care of yourself. You have been injured in some way. You need to heal. Slow down. Take a breath. Listen to your body.  Give yourself time and attention. Now is the time to take care of the needful and practice the basics.

The Basics
  • Eat well.
  • Sleep as much as your body needs to.
  • Drink lots of water and healthy liquids.
  • Take deep breaths.
  • Move your body. Take walks. Do yoga or other exercises you are used to.
  • Spend time or connect with people who will nurture you and listen to you.
  • Ask for help. Let people take care of you.
  • Find ways to comfort yourself and use them.
  • Do spiritual practices that connect you with your source of spiritual guidance.

As you heal, begin to test the waters. You will know when you are ready to begin the journey of sorting through your Don’t Knows.

First take care of your body, mind and spirit. The rest will come – in its own time and in the right and perfect way.

Going through the Don’t Knows takes mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy. For now, let yourself be. Give yourself some time to heal.

A healing thought…

Be gentle with your Self,
Be gentle with your Soul,
Be gentle with your Body,
Be gentle with your Mind.
You are perfect as you are –
right here,
right now.

Remember –
from the space of not knowing, all things are possible.

Why the Don’t Knows are NECESSARY! (Huh???)

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We humans have basic needs that need to be met to become fulfilled adults.  How these needs are being met – or not – determine everything from how we make life choices to our ability to connect with others and develop healthy relationships.  These needs are the force behind what and how we think and what we do. Yet, until we become aware of them, we may not know they are guiding our lives from behind the scenes.

So, what are these powerful, life-determining forces?

One of the world’s top personal development experts, Tony Robbins, teaches there are six of them.

  • Need 1: Certainty – need for safety, stability, security, comfort, order, predictability, control, and consistency.
  • Need 2: Uncertainty – need for variety, surprise, challenges, excitement, difference, chaos, adventure, change, and novelty.
  • Need 3: Significance – need to have meaning, feel special, needed, and wanted, sense of importance, and worthy of love.
  • Need 4: Love & Connection – need for communication, unified, approval, and attachment – to feel connected with, intimate and loved by other human beings.
  • Need 5: Growth – need for constant emotional, intellectual, and spiritual development.
  • Need 6: Contribution – need to give beyond ourselves, care, protect, and serve others.

When I first read this list many years ago, I squirmed at the thought we need uncertainty as much as we need certainty. I had experienced some pretty uncertain times in my life and did not connect them to warm and fuzzy feelings. How can uncertainty (especially chaos !!!) be a basic need, right up there with certainty and love?

To be successful, happy humans, aren’t we supposed to keep our eye on the ball, our ducks in a row, set goals, and go straight for them?  How does uncertainty fit into that model of life?  Yes, surprises can be nice, like getting roses for no reason at all or hearing from someone you haven’t talked to in years. And I love going on adventures, like backpacking into the Tetons or zip-lining through a Costa Rican jungle.

 

But chaos?

Who would want that?

As an amateur physics buff, as I researched uncertainty, I just happened to have on hand books about quantum mechanics, chaos theory and the basic laws of how our universe works. One of those, Seven Life Lessons of Chaos by John Briggs and F. David Peat, opened my eyes to seeing the Don’t Knows in a very different way.

The scientific term “chaos” refers to an underlying interconnectedness that exists in apparent random things. You might have heard this referred to as the Butterfly Effect. Chaos theory focuses on hidden patterns, nuances, the sensitivity of things, and the rules for how the unpredictable leads to the new. Nature uses chaos to create new things. It pulls elements of “what is” apart and puts them back together in new way. Chaos is nature’s way of being creative!

Butterfly Effect

A small change can make much bigger changes happen.

One small action can have a big impact on the future.

A butterfly flaps its wings in Tokyo and a tornado occurs in Tennessee.

Growing When You Don't Know

When you are having a Don’t Know Experience, YOU, as a part of the physical world, will naturally create something new out of the chaos. By embracing chaos and uncertainty, and adding your influence (flapping your butterfly wings), YOU actively participate in the “something new” that forms out of chaos! Although the process is inherent and random, the outcome is directly influenced by YOU!

By surrendering to not knowing, and consciously exploring the Don’t Knows, and being curious about a new viewpoint or path, you directly impact the new that comes into your life.

The greater the uncertainty, the greater the influence you can have on the outcome.

Today’s Growing Edge

Ready to flap your butterfly wings?

Think of one small thing in your life you can, and are willing to, change starting now.

Write the following in your day timer, journal, or somewhere you will see it frequently. Complete this sentence with your one small thing.

As of today, I am (will) ____________________________________________________________.

Now, follow through today, and the next day…and the next. And pay attention to what happens!

Remember – when you change one thing, you change everything.

Life as We Don’t Know It

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On March 1, 2020, I hugged and kissed my 97-year-old father and my 94-year-old mother goodbye. As I walked out of the front door of the nursing home where they live, a friend who has taken my sisters and me back and forth to the airport for over 7 years, was waiting. He brought his dog with him. I love that dog. He is always a playful bright spot in my back-and-forth, draining, caretaker life.

On the ride to the airport, I cried. Each time I leave my parents, I fear I have seen one or both of them for the last time. This time was more poignant. Covid-19 was beginning to show up all over the country and growing exponentially.  It was known to be dangerous to the old and frail.

I knew I would be back in 17 days to see them again. My sisters and I have tag teamed being with our parents since 2011, when they became disabled. None of us lives in the area. We all fly in. One of us has been with them at all times since then. We are all exhausted logistically, physically and emotionally, but on a mission to maintain our parent’s quality of life. So far, so good. After 74 years of marriage, they are in the same room and fall asleep every night with their beds pushed together, holding hands.

I never made it back to Florida on the March 17th. The nursing home went on lock down on March 12th. We were kicked out.  Air travel became essential only. My parents were without us for the first time in 9 years.

And suddenly I found myself home for longer than I had been in one stretch since 2011.

All of a sudden, life as I knew it went away. And the lives of a planet full of people was thrown up in the air in a matter of weeks.

Do you remember what happened the day you were given stay at home orders? Or when you found out you, or someone you know and love, tested positive for Covid? How did you feel? How many emotions ran through you? What ran rampant through your mind? Am I safe? Will I stay healthy? Will we run out of toilet paper? Will I go mad having to stay in? Will I loose my job? Will I make it through this? How? Will my family – will I – make it through this?

Sometimes the most honest answer is “I just don’t know.” This is one of those times. In fact, in our lifetimes, there has never been a Don’t Know Experience even close to this. Or even imagined to be possible. An individual, family, neighborhood, community, country and global Don’t Know.  Billions of people asking trillions of questions and coming up with a lot of “I Don’t Know” answers.

Through the ups and downs of my life, I finally surrendered to the observation that each life is filled with small, large and massive Don’t Knows. Over time, I decided to quit fighting the obvious and instead learn how to see the Don’t Knows in a different light. Instead of pushing against the Don’t Knows, I decided to see what happened if I joined with them instead – and perhaps learned to use them to my advantage.

That choice led me to years of research, reading, experimentation and copious note-taking.  Over time, I learned how to leverage uncertainty, to have what I call a successful Don’t Know Experience, and to Grow When I Don’t Know.

In this blog I will share what I have learned and applied in my own life, with special insights that will help us all cope with, and leverage, the current quantum Don’t Know we are individually and collectively experiencing.  I will introduce you to the characteristics of the Don’t Knows, and give you Tackling Tips and Tools that will assist you in using the Don’t Knows as an opportunity to grow personally, spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. 

Together we will journey through the Don’t Knows… and grow.

Ready to Begin Your Journey?

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If you:

  • are experiencing uncertainty in your life
  • are faced with a life transition
  • feel your life is off track, and you are frozen and afraid to make a move
  • don’t know what to do in these uncertain times
  • want to create a more fulfilling life

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with

Karen Stone, MSW, LCC, CCIM

Coach, Writer, Speaker, Trainer

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